Sleepless in Chicago

Okay, its 8:30 in the morning and I woke up early b/c on Friday a job prospect called me at 8 am. Not to mention the fact that I have an interview today for something else, and I just couldn't sleep.


I kept thinking about my last 2 postings and everything that I said in them. I thought about how there are people out there who think that I'm the one who messed up my relationship w/Mr. X and how mad it made me. I thought about how crappy he made me feel for so long, and I wondered how/why I treated him the way that I did.

I shouldn't have said certain things to him, and I hate it when some of my friends will tell me that too, and make me feel like its my fault. When we both know that its not. I try SO hard not to think about him, or what happened. I actually cried last night for the first time in a long time.


Then I thought about how I've met 2 new people and I feel like I can't trust them, and that I'm afraid of Mr. X finding out and me getting another nasty e-mail. I know that I probably sound ridiculous, but I'm scared.

I know that I talk about having a courage, being strong, and stuff, but sometimes I still feel weak. I really need a therapist. Someone who is completely outside of everything. I can't just talk about it on this and let the whole world know.

I really really just can't believe that he was abusive in any way. I never got hit. We did have some good times together...Hearing it from Jill helped alittle bit, b/c she in her line of work she deals w/all kinds of people who have issues mentally, or they have had a lot of problems.

I mean we are talking about someone who comes from a normal family, and has a lot of really nice friends. None of them would EVER EVER believe any of this, and they all told him that he deserves to be with someone who treats him better than me. Yet I don't think they have any idea how manipulative he can be and he will just defend himself by telling everyone "but Caroline did this, or she said that..."


I just want to know how am I supposed to ever be in another relationship w/someone again w/out being scared, and being able to trust someone?

Am I just being a drama queen??